Today, I am at the office because I had some students who couldn't do the oral exam tomorrow and needed to come in today instead.
A friend and someone else stopped by to visit. This other person is on scholarship from the country my subfield relates to, and is here for one semester to work with my adviser. She was trying out the keys the department secretary had given her for office space.
My adviser has enough time on her hands to take on a scholarship student, but not enough time to help me write my thesis, and that just got thrown in my face again today. When she left, my blood literally started to boil. I could feel tension in my chest, and it was as if someone had kicked me in the gut.
I am not from said country, so that makes me unworthy of help. How else a I supposed to interpret that? WTF.
In better news, two of my students really surprised me with their oral exam today. It was one of the best I've ever heard. My official evaluations from last semester are awesome. I also got into my second choice Ph.D. program with guaranteed funding for five years, so long as I make adequate progress. Even if I am the top candidate at Different State U, I have an even better option now. First Choice U. still hasn't sent out decisions yet, but Second Choice U. is pretty awesome, too.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
My adviser must hate me.
Two weeks ago, I ran into my adviser sort of on purpose in an attempt to set up some time to talk about my thesis. This is after several unsuccessful attempts to do so at the end of December and a couple emails over January break that were evidently too much trouble to answer. She asked me to send her an email and she'd set up an appointment. I did that, and she didn't answer. This was last Monday. Saturday I sent a really long email to her and to Committee Member 2 discussing the time frame I had discussed with Committee Member 3? and asking for defense availability (a reasonable question - I need a deadline to work towards, as I am moving away from State University's area to go to Different State University (TBA) in August). I also asked them both to SIGN THE DAMN FORM ALONG WITH THE PROPOSAL SO I CAN GET IT TO THE GRAD SCHOOL AND HAVE MY PAPERWORK SET UP. I even reattached the proposal to the email.
Adviser is the only person in my entire university who does work with Subfield. I had to go to another area college to find Committee Member 3? I am a mere Masters level student, who has never written anything longer than a seminar term paper. I am also a perfectionist, and this manifests itself in a paralyzing inability to start projects unless I'm sure I'm on the right track. I can't be on the right track after having almost ZERO input from Adviser.
I was talking to one of my officemates today, someone who I also count as a friend. After he vented to me about having been the recipient of some department drama venom this morning, I told him about my situation being mostly unchanged re: thesis and adviser.
It occurred to me that the treatment I get from Adviser changed radically when I asked her to write me letters of recommendation to doctoral programs at other universities. I used to get help from her. She read papers I was presenting at conferences, she helped me with course selection and with preparing for a summer course in the country Subfield relates to. She even seemed happy earlier in the fall (or at least understanding) when I talked about applying elsewhere.
Now she won't give me the time of day. The response I finally got from her to the long email was that she can't possibly talk about a defense date now, not after not seeing any of my work so far. Am I really far along on it? Her office hours are one day a week, and this week there wasn't class that day and next week she'll be at a fancy conference in another country, but she can meet with me the first week of MARCH.
Does she not realize that the reason she hasn't seen any of my thesis so far is that she has been completely unavailable and unreceptive to my attempts to meet with her? I've even offered to meet at a café near her house so she doesn't have to drive the three miles to campus. Seriously. One hour of her time is all that's needed. One fucking hour.
Am I expected to write my thesis completely independently and then she signs the form, and then I wait four months until it's convenient for her to come to my defense? Without help from a committee on the writing process, my thesis is sure to have holes in it that they will use to attack me and rip me apart during my defense. Holes that wouldn't have been there with proper guidance and support during this difficult process.
I really think she wanted to be my sole intellectual influence, and then when it became clear that I wanted more perspectives and more balance and MORE PROFESSORS she turned away from me. My friend pointed out the extremely fragile egos of the faculty and many of our own colleagues. Apparently everything we do that might show any of their weaknesses makes them feel bad and hate us. Another friend is having problems with an adviser that is more distant ever since my friend started branching out and thinking outside the box.
And it's not like Adviser balances teaching two classes, research, and conferences any better than I do. I mean, at least I don't cancel every fourth class and abandon my students completely in order to further my own interests. I've missed class once unavoidably, found subs for days I couldn't make, or given take-home assigments. Always.
I'm already at a disadvantage in Subfield because I'm not from the country Subfield relates to. Adviser isn't, either, though she totally wants to be and pretends she is.
I also asked in my email that if either of the two committee members from State can't serve on my committee for various reasons, then to let me know so I can find a different way to graduate on time. She didn't say "I'm busy writing my book so I can get tenure in a year and a half, and I'm also busy pouring all my teaching/mentoring time into this very promising student I brought here on a scholarship from Subfield country, so here's a list of books to read for an exam instead." No. That would have considered what I need, and not have allowed her to screw me over even more.
Bonus complaint for the day: I sent an email the Department Chair inquiring about summer teaching and expressing interest. Department Chair emails me back and spells my name Polli. Polly does not end in an "i". Also, my email address includes my full name (handy for a spelling guide!).
Extra bonus complaint for the day: I feel like complete and utter shit. My throat hurts so much I had to split my students into groups for review day and supplement with audio portions of the curriculum yoinked off the Net at the last minute. I also have all over body pain and this insane fatigue.
Good news: I've gotten into a doctoral program in my subfield at Different State U. #1, with full funding. The email from their Department Chair said that I'm a top candidate. I must be doing something right.
Adviser is the only person in my entire university who does work with Subfield. I had to go to another area college to find Committee Member 3? I am a mere Masters level student, who has never written anything longer than a seminar term paper. I am also a perfectionist, and this manifests itself in a paralyzing inability to start projects unless I'm sure I'm on the right track. I can't be on the right track after having almost ZERO input from Adviser.
I was talking to one of my officemates today, someone who I also count as a friend. After he vented to me about having been the recipient of some department drama venom this morning, I told him about my situation being mostly unchanged re: thesis and adviser.
It occurred to me that the treatment I get from Adviser changed radically when I asked her to write me letters of recommendation to doctoral programs at other universities. I used to get help from her. She read papers I was presenting at conferences, she helped me with course selection and with preparing for a summer course in the country Subfield relates to. She even seemed happy earlier in the fall (or at least understanding) when I talked about applying elsewhere.
Now she won't give me the time of day. The response I finally got from her to the long email was that she can't possibly talk about a defense date now, not after not seeing any of my work so far. Am I really far along on it? Her office hours are one day a week, and this week there wasn't class that day and next week she'll be at a fancy conference in another country, but she can meet with me the first week of MARCH.
Does she not realize that the reason she hasn't seen any of my thesis so far is that she has been completely unavailable and unreceptive to my attempts to meet with her? I've even offered to meet at a café near her house so she doesn't have to drive the three miles to campus. Seriously. One hour of her time is all that's needed. One fucking hour.
Am I expected to write my thesis completely independently and then she signs the form, and then I wait four months until it's convenient for her to come to my defense? Without help from a committee on the writing process, my thesis is sure to have holes in it that they will use to attack me and rip me apart during my defense. Holes that wouldn't have been there with proper guidance and support during this difficult process.
I really think she wanted to be my sole intellectual influence, and then when it became clear that I wanted more perspectives and more balance and MORE PROFESSORS she turned away from me. My friend pointed out the extremely fragile egos of the faculty and many of our own colleagues. Apparently everything we do that might show any of their weaknesses makes them feel bad and hate us. Another friend is having problems with an adviser that is more distant ever since my friend started branching out and thinking outside the box.
And it's not like Adviser balances teaching two classes, research, and conferences any better than I do. I mean, at least I don't cancel every fourth class and abandon my students completely in order to further my own interests. I've missed class once unavoidably, found subs for days I couldn't make, or given take-home assigments. Always.
I'm already at a disadvantage in Subfield because I'm not from the country Subfield relates to. Adviser isn't, either, though she totally wants to be and pretends she is.
I also asked in my email that if either of the two committee members from State can't serve on my committee for various reasons, then to let me know so I can find a different way to graduate on time. She didn't say "I'm busy writing my book so I can get tenure in a year and a half, and I'm also busy pouring all my teaching/mentoring time into this very promising student I brought here on a scholarship from Subfield country, so here's a list of books to read for an exam instead." No. That would have considered what I need, and not have allowed her to screw me over even more.
Bonus complaint for the day: I sent an email the Department Chair inquiring about summer teaching and expressing interest. Department Chair emails me back and spells my name Polli. Polly does not end in an "i". Also, my email address includes my full name (handy for a spelling guide!).
Extra bonus complaint for the day: I feel like complete and utter shit. My throat hurts so much I had to split my students into groups for review day and supplement with audio portions of the curriculum yoinked off the Net at the last minute. I also have all over body pain and this insane fatigue.
Good news: I've gotten into a doctoral program in my subfield at Different State U. #1, with full funding. The email from their Department Chair said that I'm a top candidate. I must be doing something right.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Welcome.
As I said in the info, my name is not Polly Roberts, but we are going to pretend it is. I'm a grad student employee in the humanities at State University (nope, not gonna get more specific), which means that I occupy this very weird space on the higher ed totem pole.
And by very weird space I mean the bottom. My students think that since they paid lots of tuition they are entitled to a good grade in my class, regardless of whether or not they did the work, or even showed up once in awhile. My professors either pile on the work or ignore me. My adviser is nice to me when I'm right in front of her face, but can't answer an email that requires more than an "Awesome!" or "Sorry, I don't come to campus that day."
Today's fun was driving to another area college to meet a professor there in Subfield who could maybe be part of my thesis committee, which would be awesome since my department has been hemorrhaging faculty since before I got here and has only replaced one of the five or six we've lost. Well, Other College Prof leaves the country every summer and so needs the defense either to be at the end of May or end of August. Adviser is going to be on sabbatical next year, Other Committee Member is going to be out of the country for a good chunk of the summer as well, and Polly Roberts wants to be done with State University and starting at Unspecified Institution in the fall. This is gonna be a blast.
Did I mention that Adviser basically ditched me at the end of last semester, which is why this isn't all taken care of now? Had Adviser said sometime in November something like "hey, I might need to leave the country for a few weeks without much notice - maybe you don't want to concentrate so much on conferences right now and oh, here's a good book that might help you with your proposal," things would be much different right now.
Sigh. My department is special. And by "special," I mean "way more fucked up than most departments, which are all by definition sort of fucked up."
I wish my desire to teach Subfield at Super Sweet Tiny College weren't so strong and that I had some other ideas of things I might be vaguely qualified to do. Things I might even enjoy. But no.
And by very weird space I mean the bottom. My students think that since they paid lots of tuition they are entitled to a good grade in my class, regardless of whether or not they did the work, or even showed up once in awhile. My professors either pile on the work or ignore me. My adviser is nice to me when I'm right in front of her face, but can't answer an email that requires more than an "Awesome!" or "Sorry, I don't come to campus that day."
Today's fun was driving to another area college to meet a professor there in Subfield who could maybe be part of my thesis committee, which would be awesome since my department has been hemorrhaging faculty since before I got here and has only replaced one of the five or six we've lost. Well, Other College Prof leaves the country every summer and so needs the defense either to be at the end of May or end of August. Adviser is going to be on sabbatical next year, Other Committee Member is going to be out of the country for a good chunk of the summer as well, and Polly Roberts wants to be done with State University and starting at Unspecified Institution in the fall. This is gonna be a blast.
Did I mention that Adviser basically ditched me at the end of last semester, which is why this isn't all taken care of now? Had Adviser said sometime in November something like "hey, I might need to leave the country for a few weeks without much notice - maybe you don't want to concentrate so much on conferences right now and oh, here's a good book that might help you with your proposal," things would be much different right now.
Sigh. My department is special. And by "special," I mean "way more fucked up than most departments, which are all by definition sort of fucked up."
I wish my desire to teach Subfield at Super Sweet Tiny College weren't so strong and that I had some other ideas of things I might be vaguely qualified to do. Things I might even enjoy. But no.
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